The Barnacle Bible, also known as the Stoner’s Bible, was discovered in a sealed chest in a sea cave in the Aegean Sea off the island of Rhodes. It is written in Akhmimic, a Coptic dialect, and contains numerous gospels and biblical books not found in traditional translations of the Bible. It contains Gnostic tracts, previously lost writings of Plato, Aristotle and Cicero and the eight suppressed Gospels of the life and death of Jesus that the Catholic Church sought to destroy. Scientists have dated the Barnacle Bible to around fifty AD. Historians using text analysis have confirmed the authenticity of the book and assert that these missing texts form the long sought ‘Q Document’, the origin material that much of the existing ‘Bible’ is copied from. The following excerpt comes from the Gospel of Eli. It presents a different view of Jesus but given that Christian communities have long accepted many contradictory views of Jesus in the traditional written Gospels and in the oral fabrications of popes, priests and evangelical preachers it has yet to provoke the schisms that many social commentators were predicting. The Jesus of Eli is a lot closer to the Old Testament God than the hippy poster boy of the New Testament. This ‘Newer’ testament therefore upholds a vengeful ideal of the messiah believed in by many Christians who are often confused by having to reconcile the anti-violence exhortations of Jesus with the opaque nastiness of books like ‘Revelations’ and the murderous needs of their own nation states and hypocritical self-interests.
Eli 26:1
Jesus was taken to the place of skulls and there he was crucified along with a thief and a seller of the law. The centurions mocked him, saying ‘Here is the King of the Jews’.
A great many women did look on with quiet sadness. Among them was his mother Mary and Mary of Magdala.
Jesus cried out in pain, “Father, paint the sky with their blood.”
Mary of Magdala approached the centurions and asked if she could present Jesus with the herb.
“But what shall you give to us?” asked the centurions.
Mary of Magdala offered them of the herb and they took it but still they would not let Jesus partake of the herb. So Mary offered of herself. They agreed and allowed her to give the herb to Jesus.
And Jesus did smoke the herb and he became calm.
“Where is your goodness now?” asked the thief.
“You shall feel my goodness,” said Jesus. And although his arms were fixed upon the cross he did give of the herb to the thief. And the thief became calm.
One of the centurions named Augustus did see that Jesus had managed to give herb to the thief and tried to raise the alarm but his brothers were busy casting lots over Mary of Magdala and they did not listen.
So Augustus fell at the feet of Jesus. “Forgive me Lord, for I know not what I did.”
“No,” said Jesus, “for you have chosen to deal in death over my promise of life ever-lasting. I will see you die of the warty scrof before I let my father forgive you.”
And Jesus did look away and Augustus was full of sorrow.
“What about me,” cried out the seller of the law who was crucified at Jesus’ right hand.
“You will be welcome in my father’s house,” said Jesus.
“And may I not also have the herb?” asked the seller of the law.
“You will get your reward with me in heaven along with all who follow me,” said Jesus.
“Does your father’s house abide with the herb?” asked the thief.
“Ye,” said Jesus, “My father’s house is rife with the herb.”
“And may I too abide in your father’s house?” asked the thief.
“Ye,” said Jesus, “Just as you are now at my left hand so will it be so in my father’s house.”
“How big is thy father’s house?” asked the seller of the law.
“My father’s house has many rooms,” said Jesus, “and all are richly decorated and rife with the herb.”
“And is there wine in your father’s house?” asked the seller of the law.
“Ye,” said Jesus. “There is wine and oxen and lamb and grain and herb and the pastures flow with milk and with honey. As the birds do not hunger for anything nor shall you want for twigs or seed in the house of my father.”
“You can keep the twigs,” said the thief. “Just so long as there is wine and herb.”
And Jesus sayeth a third time, “Ye, my father’s house is rife with the herb.”
“Birds starved during the famine of Herod,” said the seller of the law. “The birds do hunger, sometimes.”
But Jesus did not respond and instead fell silent.
After some time he pointed towards the horizon where the sun did fall and where the centurions had taken Mary of Magdala behind the bushes and the sky did grow dark and turned blood red.
“Where is your father’s house?” cried out the thief.
But Jesus was silent and his eyes did stare vacantly at the earth for he had gone to his father’s house.
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