My recent trip to Vegas allowed me to check on my sources at the front desks of the major hotels. The following is a list of special items requested from room service in the past year. I had expected the recession to impact the frequency and eccentricity of special requests but if anything, the financial collapse has inspired more wanton profligacy than we have seen previously. This could offer further support to Chomsky’s ‘Last Days of Rome’ hypothesis.
Changes in desk staff at some hotels have led to an absence of data for several months from The Mirage, Treasure Island and Binions. The usual problems continue as to the recording of the data. It is a tricky endeavor spanning many hotels requiring the participation of hundreds of employees working both day and night shifts. Where possible I attempt to personally verify the stranger items with the desk staff who took the request but with the staff turnover it is not always possible. I have chosen to add additional comments in speech marks that have come to me from the staff members when they prove illuminating.
Here are the highlights, the complete list will be available from The Bureau in May 2011 for the usual fee.
Caesar’s Palace
One Whole Pig, roasted in the Hawaiian style.
‘A selection of Song Birds that will wake my wife in the morning.’
Unicorn Horn, ‘real ivory not some tacky piece of plastic crap’.
12 whole grapefruits
A bottle of Jagermeister inside a chocolate cake. ‘An actual bottle inside a cake, not a Jagermeister flavored cake, an actual bottle. Hidden like a file being smuggled into prison.’
Basket of live Alaskan King Crab.
Lucky rabbit’s foot. ‘On second thoughts just send up a whole rabbit’.
The Bellagio
Gold plated toilet seat.
A Keebler Elf. ‘One of the real ones this time, not some midget from Omaha in a Santa hat.’
The Koran, in Yiddish.
The Venetian
A Bonfire.
Soiled Underwear
A Pond Witch
The Complete Works of Karl Marx
Canaletto’s disgust at this tacky monstrosity.
Opium, ‘as much as you can get’.
New York New York
Leather pants.
Giraffe Print gun holster.
Bengal Tiger.
Tickets to the Opera.
Top Hats, various sizes. 'From finger puppet up to Rocky Dennis'.
Paris
8 Pints of O negative blood.
A Cherry Tree
Waldorf salad in a tramp’s boot.
Samurai sword.
Cheeze Whiz Icecream
More televisions, at least half a dozen.
The Mirage
A Plankton Sandwich.
A Smug Yoga Teacher.
A smile from an old lady.
Shiny Happy People holding hands.
The Excalibur
Dildos shaped like Impaling Spikes.
Wax apricots.
Frog Buckets.
The Palms
Jackie Kennedy, 'OK, I’ll settle for a Jackie Kennedy type.’
A new hip.
Oxygen.
Donald Trumps stupid goddamn wig.
Luxor
Binoculars
Rope
Hunters Knife
Can of Mace
Jar of Golden Girl Anal Lubricant.
3 Quarter inch telescopic rifle sight.
The Four Seasons
‘The whole four seasons, Summer days on the lake, filled with cold white wine and lazy bumblebees, Autumn, with Keat’s mists and mellow fruitfulness, Winter with snow falling like a bridal veil, words taking form like ghosts, the hardened nipples in the après ski sauna. Spring, pollen and tides and lamb on the menu.’
Binions
MORE TIME
‘Some kind of gifts for my ex-wife’s kids. Nothing too good, some crap.’
Divorce Lawyer.
The Flamingo
‘Please send up an actual flamingo.’
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